Top Five Improved Starfleet Safety Regulations

Stardate: 2062.4
From Starfleet Headquarters, San Francisco California, Earth
Office of Admiral George ("Show") Levin
Department of Safety Procedures

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In response to the many complaints this office has received from bereaved relatives of Starfleet personnel, this office has undertaken a program to analyze and address their leading causes of premature accidental death.

Our extensive research has now shown conclusively that an alarming number of Starfleet field casualties can be attributed to just a handful of the most mundane causes.

In response, the following addendum to Starfleet protocol are effective immediately, superseding all prior and conflicting regulations.

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1. Never disengage safety protocols. Ever.

Thousands of Starfleet engineering hours go into the design of holodecks, warp engines and other critical systems. These systems include safety protocols for a good reason, and while disengaging them might seem like an option while under Romulan attack or troubleshooting a computer glitch - it is not a good idea. One wonders why it is possible to disengage them at all. 

2. Maintain distance from consoles during attack.

Despite their advanced technology, Starfleet computers have the distinct tactical disadvantage of exploding spontaneously while under attack. Field analysis has shown that over 99% of bridge fatalities are the direct result of exploding consoles. Until Starfleet engineers develop non-explosive consoles, it is recommended that they be operated with a very long stick.


3. Never use a "transporter lock".

Ninety-nine percent of fatal transporter failures to date have taken place under the unusual "transporter lock" configuration. This command is usually issued by the captain to transporter engineers regarding particular important guests. Invariably, however, these allegedly "improved" safeguards result in the party being scattered through the cosmos, returning as an evil opposite self, or being integrated biologically and phonetically with a fellow victim. Our researcher found that engineers in the field refer to the command as "transporter roulette".


4. Seat belts


Historians have recently discovered an incredibly advanced 20th century technology called "seat belts", which restrain vehicle passengers and operators in the event of turbulent or extreme maneuvering  such as that encountered in combat. It is tragic that so many (10%) bridge fatalities could have been avoided by the addition of these mystical devices. A recall for affected models is underway.

5. Ensign: Do not wear red on that away mission!


Statistically speaking, the average survival rate of new ensigns on away missions is quite good: Over 90%. However, 100% of that doomed 10% were wearing red at the time of death.